jhonsondavid18: our crazy ever after: Friendships

Thursday, September 20, 2012

our crazy ever after: Friendships

I have been frustrated by mine as of late. And even more frustrated with my ability to offer any sort of substantial friendship in return. This is such a touchy subject that I fear even broaching it may hinder some of my relationships. I am not sure which of my IRL friends read this. Some may be offended. Not my intent of course. But here it goes regardless.

I feel bad for my friends. I have to imagine it's been difficult being a part of my life this past year. I've been all over the map with emotions. Moving. Job changes. Going back to school. Not going back to school. Being married. Health scares (that may leave some to believe I am a hypochondriac). Trying to get pregnant. Not getting pregnant. Everyone else and their mom getting pregnant (yes, that actually happened). Still not getting pregnant. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm erratic. All over the freakin' board. I've let some friendships go. I've even let relationships in my family go. Like I literally don't have a relationship at all with either of my siblings currently. Where I'd usually fight for a relationship to be maintained, I have let it falter. I share the blame for several of my relationships failing. Because I honestly don't have it in me to keep them going. It takes two to dance the friendship tango. And this dancer is hanging up her dance kicks indefinitely (wow....super lame line right there). Is it unacceptable to expect the other person in the relationship to shoulder most of it for a while if they want to be in my life? I feel bad for saying this, but I might need that right now.

Has this happened to you? Have you found your friend circle getting smaller as you get older? I've been fighting it a bit. I thrive on interaction with others. I love meeting new people and engaging in their lives. Showing interest in them and being supportive. However, it isn't coming naturally for me anymore. And I think....I THINK (??) I am mostly at peace with it. I still meet new people often. And where I used to go and find them on Facebook and begin a predominately social media based relationship with them, I now acknowledge they were a pleasant person (or a total bitch) and just leave it as is. I don't want to invite more people into my life because I feel it's not fair to the people already in my life. I can't maintain the relationships that are currently in my life so why add more? But yet I am dissatisfied with many of current ones, and desire to find friends that I can relate to at this particular period in my life. I realize I am walking contradiction. Oy.

Has this happened to you? People come into our lives for a reason or a season. So when their season is over do you just send them a pink slip? Sad. And can I just put an ad on Craigslist for new ones? Wow. Could you imagine? ?